Reality

Yesterday we officially made it back to Utah.

Needless to say I was having the hardest time holding back my tears as we drove away from my parents house.  I have always loved my family and loved spending time with them but have never been one who gets really homesick, which came in handy when I started school up here.  But there is something in me that has completely switched and I crave my family all the time. It started around the time that little guy popped into our lives.  At the time I chalked it up to those crazy hormones and thought it would return to normal. As is usual in my life I was wrong. I miss my family like crazy all the time now. I like being able to quickly ask my mom any new mom question I have. I also like that when I am with them I can escape the reality I am in. That I am struggling right now with our situation in life.

I know that I should be so incredibly grateful for everything I have...and I truly, really am. But I don't know how much more of this trial I can take. The hardest thing is having the peace and comfort the spirit brings as it tells you there is a job while your head and everywhere you look is saying there isn't a job. I am a full fledge, 100% committed believer that everything happens for a reason.  I know that we are going through this little trial for a reason.  I know that I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful family and friends who know and can completely relate to what we are going through...but it doesn't change the situation. When I say it (or write it out) I realize how ungrateful I sound but somedays my head wins out and tells me I'm an idiot and our situation sucks and blah blah blah, until I end up consoling myself with some Real Housewives of New Jersey or Gypsy Wedding and cuddle with my sweet little boy.

I know it will all work out. In a month, year or even in the next life we can look at this situation and laugh.  I know that we will be able to truly tell someone going through it that we understand.  I know that there is a specific path we need to take as a family.  I am grateful the burden of supporting a family does not fall on me. I am grateful for all Jake does.  But for tonight, I am going to give in to my head. I am going to get frustrated, shed a couple of tears, watch reality TV and hope that in the morning I have found the confidence and faith I need to keep pushing through until my next breakdown.

So heres to hoping that the Lord shows us our way this week, and learning to completely master the torrential downpour of fear and uncertainly.